On Mom Guilt

I was sitting with a group of mommies and they were talking about their hopes and dreams for their careers. What struck me was that they kept apologizing for wanting a career and repeating that it’s not selfish; that they just find themselves more in a work environment than as a stay-at-home mom. No dear mommy, you’re not selfish. Instead, you should be getting recognition and praise for being so kind as to feel guilty and apologize for wanting to be yourself. It’s your right! Would you expect your kids or your husband to apologize for wanting to be themselves, live their dreams, and fulfil their potential? No, of course not. You’d encourage them to do so, so why not yourself?

This guilt holds us back a lot in our careers, even if we’re not physically taken out of our jobs, we feel guilty and we hold ourselves back. However, research shows that children of working moms grow up to be just as healthy as children of stay-at-home moms. It’s even more beneficial for them to see their moms working and producing, which instils in them a sense of respect, equality, and appreciation for women.

Combatting this guilt is a never-ending struggle for mothers. You pep talk yourself, you tell yourself it’s ok, you rationalize, but no matter what, you still feel guilty. Next time you do, remember the following:

Combatting guilt is a never-ending struggle for moms.

1. You have a right to have your own feelings, hopes, dreams, and goals outside of your motherhood box.

2. Being a little selfish, if you still think it’s selfish to want your own autonomy, is good for you. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said [rephrased]: you must be selfish to be selfless, for you can’t give love or care or anything else unless you have it and give it to yourself first and foremost.

3. Forcing yourself to overstay with your children because of some preconceived notions of what mothers “should do” is detrimental to both your and your children’s happiness – a happy mother is a happy home. So, leave your kids, go give yourself your much-needed mommy time, and then come back to them all refreshed and bright-eyed.

4. If you have those mommies that mommy-shame you into feeling guilty, remember that they probably wish they dared to admit that they want a life outside the home as you have voiced. Encourage them to do so or just ex them out of your life.

5. Carve out blocks of quality time with your children and blocks for all your other needs. This way you’ll give every aspect of your life its fair share.

Most importantly, remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Embrace yourself and what you want, and never apologize for it.